The Age of Paradox: A Valentine's Day Dilemma

I am officially twenty-five, and tgif. My first day back at work this past Tuesday - after a long birthday weekend - was joyous; everyone seemed to have missed me and continues wishing me happy birthday, which is sweet. It's nice for it to seem that I've been effective and influential in my short time as a leader in my current job, at this current location. It was also amazing to get good and helpful feedback from my recently-appointed new boss: a confident and friendly female leader who admirably balances work with a family, constructive feedback with positive encouragement.

With new management often comes change, so I hadn't known entirely what to expect in our environment as well as my particular area of responsibility in recent weeks. As I identified and then told an old friend from the fruit stand on the phone tonight: when something feels uncertain in my life, it is my natural inclination to want to rectify it, to begin planning or considering alternatives accordingly. However, when said boss reassured me today that I'd be continuing in my current role during the next fiscal quarter - because she feels like I do well and have positive momentum in my impact on the team - I felt relieved. It felt good to know that not only was I having some success; she and the team also see potential in both my role and my performance. 

Today, I learned through an Instagrammatical update that my former peer and equal at the fruit company just began a new job - in a similar, comparable and perhaps even competitor company based in my favorite city: Seattle. So why is it that I often plan, and consider, and feel envy when I detect that any other possibilities in the world have actual become realities for other people, for former co-workers, for my peers around the world? Is it due to that humanly-natural emotion defined as FOMO, or the fear of missing out? I know that our educated, option-riddled and over-exposed-to-information generation is hungry for all of the various opportunities that are available to us; this is why we change jobs more often than any generation before us, we don't remain in committed relationships, we use faceless interaction via technology to peruse PLIs (potential love interests), and are perfectionists by nature. We are constantly striving to become the best versions of ourselves, and constantly in pursuit of the best versions of our own lives. 

For this reason, I wonder lately whether I should be looking for more. Because I always want more; NOT because my job doesn't do or give me enough; no, it's the opposite. Apple and its creator's story inspire and stimulate me constantly, and assure me that more is not only possible - but is inevitable and necessary in order for me to be fulfilled. I shouldn't let dogma or societal normalities lead me to a certain role or goal, nor allow the pressures of my peers (either in life, in my SC community or in my fruit stand family) direct me toward something that might seem financially-appealing, stable or rightfully next... but could leave me feeling questioning, unfulfilled, or less-than-proud of what I've accomplished at the end of the road. 

I am proud of what I've accomplished - already in my brief 25 years. I also, however, have things in mind for my life that I simply don't know how and when I am going to do them. They're ever-changing and constantly in flux. Is that repetitive? Currently, here's where I struggle:

I love my current job and the company I represent, but I dislike the hardships of working retail. I love having weekdays and occasional mornings off, but I hate having a schedule that rarely permits me to take weekends or spontaneous getaways with my nine-to-five friends. 

I want to have a family because I love the family I grew up with; however, I'm terrified of having kids. I want to be a mom, but I cringe at the thought of having a child that I'll know even less than I know myself... or am at risk of messing up. There are so many resources that are limited on this Earth, and there are so many children who will already be in need of a home and the love I have to give. 

I want - so badly - to write, but am constantly short on time, short on energy or filled with fear that I have nothing to say... or type. I love to read, but I run short on time to do that too because I enjoy multi-tasking, multimedia is more convenient to absorb, and I like to fill all of my extracurricular time with the friends and family from whom I live and commute farther these days. 

I love California, and I want to do things like try living by the beach and rooming with my childhood bestie; however, I have always wanted to live in a new city or perhaps move to an international city... on my own. I also have always wanted to live abroad and don't know when the best time will be to do it. I'd rather up and relocate internationally then fearfully move to SF and use all of my savings. I want to stay close to home and close to comfort, as I fear the unknown. I also love the unknown. I'm also broke. 

My student loans will tie me here financially for the next 7-8 years. However, I'm nearly done with Credit card debt and my car is leased so that I will be (almost) free to escape in another year from now. However, my car has significantly surpassed its lease mileage limit, so I have to consider other options around ownership of my car. I want to live abroad or in a city with public transportation, but I love having the freedom to get places and road trip and see my family when I need to. 

I love working at a major technology company that boasts a strong, people-oriented culture; but, I admire the essence of start-ups because of the ability to influence change, innovate new systems and products, work in small teams, and create what you're a part of (rather than execute it). My company, on the other hand, does give us the freedom to innovate and personalize our franchises: our location is owned by its people. 

Finally, I enjoy being single, and genuinely dig my friends' and my focus on female empowerment and self-love this February. But, I miss [insignificant ex] at night and find myself desperately wishing that I had a Valentine. I also feel so, so glad and relieved that I don't have a Valentine on whom I might waste time and money (only to be disappointed), and I am selfishly glad that I can be entirely focused on me, myself, and I this month, this year... heck - for as long as I want. Myself is enough. Most of the time. 

I suppose the twenty-five life is a series of contradictions. But as this next article points out, fittingly written on the morning of February tenth and read by my two soul-sisters and I this past week (on Day 3 of Age 25), some of these dichotomies may actually be blessings. The possibilities are, like I said: ENDLESS. 

Check out the whole article, written by a badass online zine editor named Kaitlyn Cawley whom I now aspire to make my best friend. 

These are the 25 reasons that turning 25 doesn’t have to be the end of youth:

1. You’re old enough to have regrets and young enough to right them.

2. You’re old enough to finance a trip and young enough to drop everything and go.

3. You’re old enough to rent a car and young enough to drive it anywhere.

4. You’re old enough to give advice and young enough to ignore it.

5. You’re old enough to be married and young enough not to be even considering it yet.

6. You’re old enough to choose which nights are worth it and young enough to go out anyway.

7. You’re old enough to write a book and young enough to have no time to read it.

8. You’re old enough to support your bar tabs and young enough to rack them up unapologetically.

9. You’re old enough to have a job and young enough to quit it.

10. You’re old enough to think YOLO is ridiculous and young enough to still yell it.

11. You’re old enough to enjoy a fine wine and young enough to still drink it from a box.

12. You’re old enough to have principles and young enough to contradict them.

13. You’re old enough to be $250,000 in debt and young enough not to own a credit card.

14. You’re old enough to cook and young enough to know the names of half the delivery men from Seamless.

15. You’re old enough to go to art shows and young enough to still think about becoming an artist.

16. You’re old enough to help your parents out and young enough to need them.

17. You’re old enough to succeed and prosper and young enough to fail and recover.

18. You’re old enough to meet someone special and young enough to ruin it.

19. You’re old enough to pay your rent and young enough to forget to.

20. You’re old enough to have lost friends and young enough to make more.

21. You’re old enough to date George Clooney and young enough to date George Clooney.

22. You’re old enough to know death and young enough to believe you’ll live forever.

23. You’re old enough to go to the doctor when you’re sick and young enough to want your mom’s chicken noodle soup instead.

24. You’re old enough to have a kid and you’re young enough to still act like one.

25. You’re old enough to have gotten your heart broken and young enough to have it break 20 more times.

To age 25, heart break, and to staying strong throughout!