Same Love: A Year Ago, Today

Today, and yesterday, and this past weekend, and I suppose this month so far have all been truly impactful. Every moment, experience has felt aligned, as if each happened for a reason. As I write this, I'm currently snuggled into my newly, neatly made bed - which I've decided is one of my most prized and cherished possessions at this point in my young life. I found this frame (thanks Craigslist) and this cozy mattress (thanks Krysty) all on my own, and overspent on one only to get a deal on the other. So, SO worth it. I also have a new duvet cover, which I figure I'll try out - any excuse for a new beginning. 

Sunday (see above) was one of the most fun days I've had in quite a while - especially when you consider that I've had the flu for a week and I've been in breakup mode for over a month. I'm glad I'm on my way to feeling better... in all respects. Sunday was filled with almost every friend a girl could ask for, lots of good food and tasty drinks, and so many unexpected joys and adventures! After a tedious trip to Target and BevMo in the morning, which ended up being quite fun, we returned home to make cinnamon rolls (favorite), bacon and bagels. The drinking began soon after, when Bayan made "Spit Roast" Punch - I don't recall where the name came from. There was a lot of vodka imbibed after that, followed by Jello-O shots and a good amount of champagne. 

Everyone was there, and I mean everyone. It was the perfect way to spend a day that I was worried would be clouded with memories of last summer, and... falling in love, really. I was happy to have all my LA besties together: Stepha, Scott (the two of whom slept over in preparation for an early morn), Chris, Nela, and Bayan. Then, Alex and his new bf arrived... Megan and her bf arrived... Bayan's friend Tyler, Alyss and her friends - who I ended up falling in love with! Out on the town, I only ran into a few people I knew: mine and Alyssa's mutual friend from Islands, David - who introduced me to the LA gay scene in '08 when we went to Tiger Heat?! Then, I saw some unidentifiable faces from work! Ssh. They were great, and I barely remember the time I spent with them (during drunk lunch at Hamburger Haven). Oh, and I forgot to mention Nili! I'm so lucky to have a roommate who's mantra is "the more the merrier." We had so much fun, she was so generous and we even committed to cleaning up together. Yes, we're still currently putting that off. 

Well, the photos captured most of the wild details, but the most memorable of that day were the face-paint all over our bodies, the foam blast from a passing float and the cute dogs everywhere. We danced in the street, we danced at Eleven, I had two Coronas and only bought one round of drinks: two giant $18 margaritas. Yikes. Throwback: I also finished off my evening with an amazing can of Spaghetti-Os at Bayan's house, topped that off with a half-ish pint of Ben & Jerry's "Half-Baked," and attempted to hydrate with coconut water. I'm newly obsessed with VitaCoco now, the kind that adds a splash of pineapple juice to make the going down easier. As he and I reflected on the day, giggled at photos and recovered as much as we could before bed and Monday-morning -- we put in a movie. Next thing I knew, I was inspired by Little Miss Sunshine, that 2007 indie film that got a bunch of Oscar recognition? Yeah, I clearly didn't know what I was doing for the past 6 years while NOT seeing that movie. 

It was incredible, and reminds you of the reason our family is still, and always, our family unconditionally. The young guy who wrote the screenplay was another source of inspiration, I supposed, because he quit his assistant job to some mediocre celebrity (ok, I'm under-exaggerating... it was Matthew Broderick. What's the word that has the opposite meaning of "exaggerate"?) to write his screenplay, which went on to be LMS. What a prime example of doing what you love and throwing fear/risk out the window, am I right? As Paul D says in the film, "fuck beauty pageants. You do what you love and fuck the rest." 

Us, one year ago at LA Pride -- West Hollywood, CA

A year and a day ago, at this exact moment, I was falling asleep in my Orange Grove apartment -- giddy over my first first kiss in a while. I had had an amazing day at Gay Pride, like I did this past Sunday, and then had somehow managed to drive Chloe back to NP and get all the way back into Hollywood in time to have a milkshake at Swingers with Jeff, after he got off work at Bao. I remember he was in his all black get-up, smelling like Chinese food like I then became so used to noticing in the past year of knowing him, getting to know him. We had sat at stools, knees touching, and the funny thing is that I don't remember at all what we talked about except for 1) the fact that he was lactose intolerant, which is why we were excited to find out that they had soy for milkshakes, and 2) the idea that he and his roomie had to join a dodgeball league and create a team. This latter point was the last thing Jeff was saying as we stood outside of my car, on Beverly across from Swingers and in front of one of those expensive furniture boutiques, right before he cut both of us off and leaned in and gave me a soft, close-mouthed kiss - right on the lips. 

It was both unexpected and what I had wanted, because I had totally given him the signs... knees touching, hand to his inner bicep as we walked together back to the car. He told me later that at that touch was the moment he knew he was going to kiss me. Even though it was way too late, we pulled away and one of us asked if the other wanted to watch a movie. I did, so I said yes (which there's more to than what those 6 words imply, ya know? I could have said no, I could have made an excuse, I could have played it safe. Who knows). I also remember that we pulled out the sofa bed, and he picked out 3 or 5 or maybe ten comedies that he wanted to check out and let me decide. What kind of guy includes The House Bunny in that kind of package? As I look back and try to remember that night, I think I went into my room and changed into leggings, in an attempt to appear casual and nonchalant but also with the intent of looking hot-but-not-trying. Those leggings I tended to wear never got old for him: one of his favorite things I'd don, I think. In the middle of the incredible film, he rolled all the way onto his side, facing me, and went in for the make-out. I've since told him, I recall not being 100% sure that I was into it. But I let it happen, and let my guard down. The rest was history. We had fun kissing from that moment on. 

As I write, I really don't mind this feeling: of recalling without getting too sad. It seems fair that I miss him: in the way that you miss a friend who you laugh with, and feel good with, and haven't seen or spent time with in a long LONG time. It will keep feeling easier, if it feels better tonight. of all nights. I'll always love and appreciate him, what he was and did and provided me in the past fun, tumultuous year. I hope that someday that feels even better than decent to think about. Who knows. Good night Jeff, and good night moon. I only have gratitude toward the Universe for helping me to recover and for bringing me guardian angels in all forms in the first month of my new year.

 This is The New Year
A Great Big World (it truly is)

I also am grateful that I still believe in love, the same love I fell into and the same love that circulates the globe constantly, in all corners of culture and people's hearts. It was our anthem of Sunday, "Same Love." And it applies to me, too:

"I can't change/ even if I tried/ even if I wanted to..."